


The Curse of the Zanpakuto

by c2t2



Series: Out of Rukongai [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Codependency, Creepy Atmosphere, Dark Rukongai, Disease, F/M, Major boundary issues, Minor Character Death, Poverty, Renji isn't much better, Rukia's in some kind of fugue state, Soul Society Sucks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-30 04:32:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1014127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c2t2/pseuds/c2t2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the world falls apart, Rukia struggles to hold the center.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rukongai

 

  
_Under the last moon of winter we starved_  
 _The hunger hollowed out our bones_  
 _We ate our dead_  
 _And found them still hungry inside us_  
–Ursula Vernon

For the first time in memory, we have nearly enough to eat.

We are eating better than we ever have, yet we seem to need more every day. We cannot risk angering the Inuzuri gangs, so we must leave our district to find the food we crave. We take so much that we need to travel further every night. We have no alliances or truce outside Inuzuri, and the district 'police' - every one corrupt and bought by Yakuza - are becoming determined to stop us.

We do not fear the police. I am small and dark and can slip into the night without a ripple. Renji guards from the shadows, watching for something to go wrong. Leaving our district is illegal and dangerous. Leaving Inuzuri every night... even I will sometimes be caught.

We do not fear the district police. We have nearly enough to eat, so our skin has toughened. I am small and dark and very fast; while Renji has grown tall and very strong. He looks out of place among the children in our home.

We do not fear the district police. If I am caught, I can slip through shackles and strike with precision. Renji is able to punch guards through the wall and break the bars of a cell with his bare hands. He rarely needs to do this, but he likes to show off sometimes.

We do not fear the police.

We fear the shinigami.

We would not escape from the shinigami. The self-proclaimed 'death gods' use dark magic in their shackles and jails. They have locks that I cannot pick and bars that Renji cannot break. Dark magic makes their skin like stone. Their magic is so heavy that we faint with hunger when they draw too close.

There are no shinigami this far outside Seireitei. The city only sends shinigami here if there is a major disturbance.

I fear we are becoming a major disturbance.

Yet we must eat. We grow hungrier by the day. There is also the matter of the other children. Even without true hunger, they crave the flavor and comfort.

Although we fear the shinigami, Renji and I are slowly learning their magic. Of course, I am more talented than he.

Renji is passing by right now.

Though it will make me hungry, I conjure three glowing orbs, each one larger and brighter than any he can make, and I pretend to juggle them to delight the little ones playing in the dirt at my feet. I do not let him see how much the effort is costing me.

Sometimes I like to show off too.

 

-.-.-

Food does not grow in the winter, and the cold ground is hard on our bare feet.

It is painful to travel more than a few miles, and empty branches cannot hide us for an ambush. The animals have left or have hidden themselves beyond our reach. Hunger grows, unseen, until it fills our frail bodies, ready to take form and walk beside us.

We are desperate.

One good thing about winter is that we can hide inside our clothing. If the Inuzuri gangs do not recognize us, then they cannot punish us for our theft. Renji wears a deep hood that completely hides his hair. I wear a scarf over my face. The hood and scarf are mere rags, but we do not stand out, since everyone else is dressed the same. Our feet are not wrapped in rags, since we cannot risk losing any speed, or heaven forbid, tripping over loose ends. We must be fast and we must be silent.

We target the wealthiest gang in Inuzuri. They have the most food, and the least to fear from us street children, so we hope to catch them unwary. If we chose smaller targets, then word would spread and everyone would increase security before we could get enough.

We manage to kill the guards around the storage shed without noise and without drawing attention.

Their store of food is glorious. Hardly any of the rice is rotten, and most of the bread has no mold at all. The meat is still red, and the large pots of water will sustain the rest of the children for months.

We become greedy.

For hours, we shift food from the storeroom to our hidden cache in the woods. We are so greedy that we allow our friends to help us, but only those we trust the most. Only our brothers know where our cache is hidden.

It is our last trip before the sky is too light to continue, and we are exhausted. I am worried about the dead guards being discovered, when _**it**_ happens for the first time.

The world is silent and dark and we work quickly, then suddenly Renji shouts a warning. He whips his head around frantically, and then staggers into a table as if struck by some invisible blow. His armful of jars goes crashing to the ground, and in moments everything is chaos.

In the time it takes Renji to find his feet, Yakuza with torches and clubs crowd the entryway. We cannot run for the door, there are too many. Renji and I might make it through alive, but our brothers could not. I know there is no hope of leaving quietly, so I summon a ball of magic. In the darkness, the magic is as blinding as the sun, and I throw it at the group of men charging us. It explodes, scattering them.

We drop the food we have so carefully gathered, and I grab Taro's hand. Renji scoops Yuu under one arm and reaches for Jin.

I watch in horror as one of the scattered men rises up behind Jin, and his heavy club crashes into the side of our brother's head.

It all happens so quickly that Renji and I barely have time to understand what just occurred. Renji grabs Jin, and both of us use magic to step as far away as we can.

We end up in the nearby woods, only a short distance apart. Our magic steps are nearly equal, which means that I am superior, since my legs are much shorter than his.

We cannot risk leading our pursuers to our home or our food. We go to a third hideout, a crumbling shack held together by mold and insects, and there we tend to Jin. The side of his head is not bleeding, but it is purple and black and mushy to the touch. We do not know how to save him.

The escape exhausted Renji and I both, and we are ravenous. But in spite of the terrible hunger and thirst, we wait by Jin as a family.

He never wakes up.

Our brother lasts an entire day before passing the next night. I let tears fall silently, hidden in the darkness, and if the others weep, they hide the same way. Taro and Yuu may still look like children, but they are not true children any more than Renji or myself. We bury Jin on the hill and finally bring a little of our bounty home.

The other orphans are delighted with the water, and the scraps of food we brought will satisfy their desire to eat. None of them seem to notice that Jin is missing. I tell Taro that the best part about winter is how the darkness hides red-rimmed eyes.

I lied.

The best part of the winter is the cold nights, when too many children bunch together under too few blankets. I have always had a remarkable tolerance for cold, but during these long winter nights, I am fascinated by warmth as well.

In the years since Renji has grown so tall, he has begun to radiate heat like a furnace, like some kind of beast. At night the little ones huddle against his back when they have a chance, but they only ever reach his back. When we sleep, his frame curls almost completely around mine, and I am surrounded. There is nothing untoward about it, since the older children who want that kind of thing always do it elsewhere. Yet I wonder if I should escape his embrace. There are things happening to me that I do not understand.

I breathe deeply, unsettled by strange emotions. I can feel things stirring in the coldest, iciest parts of my soul. I am the snow drawn to an inferno. We will destroy each other, but I crave the fire.

 

-.-.-

The food will last through the winter, but I am not sure that we can do the same.

I do not know how long I have been in Inuzuri, but I have seen many things. Sometimes there is famine, and sometimes there is fire. Sometimes there are monsters, and sometimes there are gang wars. Sometimes there is drought, and sometimes there is disease. On rare occasions, there are shinigami. Even more rarely, only once in a very long time, there is madness.

Renji is going mad. He has not confessed this to me, of course. I could not help him if he did. We both know what happens when the madness consumes the children of Inuzuri.

We all sleep lightly, but Renji sleeps even lighter than most, so no one else could catch him dreaming. Only I notice what happens, tangled so closely together in the black depths of the winter night. I alone can feel the tiny tremors running through his limbs, the twitch of his fingers against my side, a subtle hitch in his breath on my neck, his lips moving against my hair.

When I first realize that it is not ordinary dreaming, but the madness beginning to take him, I tremble. I struggle not to cry, but Renji wakes as easily as ever. It is too dark to see. It should be too dark for him to read my face. But instead of asking anything, he holds me tighter.

For a moment, I get a sense that he can see me anyway.

For a moment, I'm not sure it is even Renji whose eyes watch me in the darkness.

But it is his arms that tighten around my waist and his breath that washes over my skin, and soon I fall asleep too.

 

-.-.-

A child is sick.

Hojo was a loud boy, and not well-liked. His frame was too small and thin to do much damage, but he could sometimes be mean, and he never sat quietly or paid attention. It is difficult to recognize him now, so still and pale on the dirt floor.

Some of the other girls keep me company as I sit with him, bathing his forehead with a filthy damp rag, and securing the tattered blankets around him to keep out as much of the chill as possible. I am so focused that for the first time, I forget about Renji's dreams and I stop praying that his madness will end.

For a while, I stop remembering the other children taken by the madness. I even stop hearing Daisuke's echoing screams, remember the things he had done, his limbs moved by a foreign strength, too powerful for any of us to stop him.

At dusk, Renji draws me away from Hojo, and we head on our circuitous path to our food cache.

Now that I am no longer occupied, my memory returns all too clearly. I watch Renji out of the corner of my eye. Bloodshot eyes nervously scan the shadows when he thinks I'm not paying attention. His body language hints at both fatigue and an edgy jumpiness. I hope that food will help.

Damn the rationing, I cannot lose him.

Tonight, I will make us both eat until we cannot eat any more.

 

-.-.-

Two more children have fallen ill.

Hojo has not improved, and now he is sharing blankets and our care with Ayame and Eri. Ayame had always been such a weak and frail little thing, spending her time quietly arranging flowers and pretty stones into patterns. But Eri was so energetic and cheerful. Her face and limbs were still round and babyish, not yet showing the signs of weariness and stress – and heaven forbid, _hunger_ – that scar the residents of Inuzuri. Eri was bright and beautiful and full of energy and it is a _crime_ that the gods would allow her to be this weak and listless.

I work to coax water down Hojo's throat, knowing that if I fail, he will soon die. The girls can still drink without assistance. I pray for heaven to have mercy.

This evening during our daily food run, I can barely look at Renji. I can no longer take watching him jump at every movement, the subtle turns of his head as he tracks noises that aren't there.

"Renji." My voice is soft, but he flinches badly. I stop in my tracks and he stumbles to avoid crashing into me.

"Um, yeah?" He looks so foolish right now, like I had smacked him between the eyes with a rock, and for a moment, it feels like an alien presence - the madness? - recedes, leaving just the two of us. But such fancies are even more foolish than the madness itself, so I shake it off.

"Renji, _**it**_ can't be what we think it is." He opens his mouth to ask, but I stop him with a glare. I wish that once in a while he would use his head for something besides growing absurdly bright hair. He is fairly clever when he takes a moment to think, though he is still nowhere near my level.

I see in his face and in the sudden shifting of his eyes that he finally understands what I mean. So I continue, "The other times _**it**_ happened... it was never winter, and it was _always_ when times were good. This can't be the same thing." This is my secret hope. If the madness is going to take someone, it always happens during times of plenty, when the weather is mild and there is food for people who know how to find it. It happens when the water is clean and everyone sleeps restfully.

"It also only happens to people who use the shinigami arts," Renji said flatly, still not meeting my eyes.

That was also true. Shinigami use kidō, the demon magic. Once, we overheard a shinigami tell a yakuza thug that 'the madness' is the price we pay for trying to be the equals of the death gods. When times are good, the heavens send madness to the ambitious, to remind us of our place in the world. We in Rukongai were never meant to reach above our station.

Renji and I never did figure out how some Rukongai magic-users avoid the madness, and later even become shinigami. Back then, we had only seen the madness at a distance. We had not seen Daisuke clawing at his face, nails tearing out strips of flesh while he screamed for the voices to stop.

"Do you hear the birds?" Renji whispers.

"No Renji, the forest is silent."

"It's not loud, but it's terrible. It's grinding metal, fingernails on chalkboard. Are you _sure_ you don't hear it?"

"No Renji... There are no birds."

 

-.-.-

Yuu is pale and feverish.

Yuu.

Taro and I _cannot lose him_. Hojo has died, and so has Ayame and several of the others, but they weren't one of us. They weren't _family_. We cannot lose another of our brothers. Taro is frantic, half of the household is bedridden with the illness. The few of us who are still on our feet are running ragged.

Renji is beyond our help.

We can't even pretend it isn't happening anymore. At night Renji burns with heat while his body shivers as if wracked with chills. He has one-sided conversations with things that none of us can see. Sometimes he screams into the darkness; always the same words: "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

He is lost to us.

It has never happened like this before. The madness only takes people when times are good; never in the cold darkness of winter, never during an outbreak of a mysterious plague.

My only solace is the cache of food and clean water we have hidden away. It will last even longer at the rate the children are dying. ...Or perhaps not. Renji and I keep growing hungrier, and I do not know when it will end.

Not long ago, I began to fear that our food was cursed by the Yakuza when we stole it. I knew it was a foolish thing to do, especially at the end of winter when nobody has any food anymore, but I took small crumbs of each kind of food to the herbalist witch-lady, just to make sure it wasn't cursed. The old woman surprisingly agreed to inspect the food crumbs if I would bring them inside.

When I crossed the threshold, she hit me over the head with a stone. She sat on me, holding me down, and pried the grains of rice, crumbs of bread, and shreds of meat from my hand and ate them, then washed them down with the sip of water I had brought for her to test. I struggled free while she was distracted, and I fled before she could send someone to capture me for interrogation or follow me back to my food.

I glimpsed the old witch-lady again yesterday. She looked normal, perhaps even slightly better. The food is not cursed.

The cache is my solace. I have not slept well in weeks. Renji is slipping into madness. And now Yuu is sick.

I fear we are all lost.

 

-.-.-

We can no longer bury the dead in the hard winter ground.

There are not enough of us left who are healthy and strong, and those of us who are left must work too hard trying to keep the sick children alive. Renji takes the bodies into the forest and covers them with stones. If the stones are not heavy enough, at least the animals will eat well this winter.

It is Renji's choice to deal with the dead instead of the dying.

The bodies, at least, do not look at him with pity.

 

-.-.-

I am sitting vigil over a small girl who is nearly out of time, and I cannot remember her name. She joined our doomed house of orphans two months ago, and there is no one I can ask for her name. I cannot even ask her. She slipped into delirium several hours ago, and cannot answer questions. When she has the strength, she clings to my sleeve and begs me to let her see 'Tachi' one last time.

I do not know who Tachi is.

She fades away, begging me to bring her a beloved person, or a pet, or perhaps a doll or toy. And I cannot. I can't do anything. I don't even know her name.

I am so sorry.

By nightfall, she is gone. I have no sheet to cover her and no strength to bury her and no name to put on a grave marker even if I could.

I go to sit beside Yuu, to nurse him as best I can, and I try not to notice that Taro, dear Taro, is looking ill. I tell myself it is fatigue and the winter light. It has to be.

I cannot lose anyone else.

I have no more tears to cry.

 

-.-.-

Yuu can't be dead.

I have not slept for the past two nights just so that Yuu won't be able to die before I can stop him. I am disoriented, in a state of overwrought delirium brought on by the lack of sleep, but it will all be worth it if I am awake to stop Yuu from dying.

Taro cries that Yuu is dead, but I know better. He is asleep. I keep trying to wake him. I feel for a pulse and search for a breath until a weeping Taro pulls me away.

My voice sounds like it is coming from somewhere else, another world, another person. "Let go of me! We have to make sure! We can't make a mistake because as long as he's here there's still hope but if we bury Yuu then even if he is alive he'll be dead for sure. Are you listening to me? I haven't slept a bit, so he couldn't have died when I wasn't looking. Let me check again, just in case. One more time just to be sure. Once more won't hurt. Let me go!"

Taro's sobs set off a coughing fit so intense that he loses his grip on me and slides down to sit on the ground. I start to return to Yuu's side, but Renji gets there first.

Renji lifts Yuu in his arms, and I don't know how he has the strength. His face is impassive, and the Renji I know is either gone or buried so deep I wonder if the madness has finally taken the very last part of him.

Three-and-a-half days ago I ran out of tears. I have spent all my tears, and I can no longer cry, not even for Yuu. But the grief must be released, so when Renji carries the body out of our home I can't stop the scream that rips its way out of my body, every muscle and every ounce of energy pouring into the effort until the lining of my throat is torn and I can taste blood.

After that final outburst, understanding dawns.

If the sound I just made didn't wake Yuu, then he really is dead.

Taro still has tears running down his cheeks, but his cough has finally stopped. He is whiter than a ghost and his skin is chilled and damp to the touch.

I slowly sink to my knees and throw myself forward to embrace him, "Don't. Please. You're the only one left, Taro." My voice is completely gone and my torn throat makes it hard to even whisper, yet I do it anyway. "Don't go. You're all I have left."

At that moment, the mat over the door brushes aside as Renji comes back in. I am pathetically grateful that I could barely whisper those last words. There is no chance that Renji overheard me. No human has hearing that sharp.

Renji's face is as still and expressionless as stone. The madness, this imposter Not-Renji, grabs Yuu's wooden top and walks back outside without a word. I nearly object, opening my mouth to say that Yuu will be furious if he finds out someone touched his prized - his only - possession. The top is lopsided and never spins for more than a moment, but Yuu carved it himself and it is by far the most successful of his clumsy whittling attempts.

My disorientation is worse than I thought. I realize that I am overly emotional and I that if I am this confused and distraught, I must sleep.

And I can sleep now without guilt. All the other children are gone. They have died or they have tried to flee the plague sweeping through Inuzuri. I lie down and gratefully sink into a dark oblivion that will last for one whole day and night. Faintly, I hear a voice that is as soft as silk and as clear as chimes ringing through the icy stillness inside my mind.

 

-.-.-

Now, it is Taro who lies still on the mat, feverish and struggling to breathe.

I have slept and I can think clearly now. Taro is going to die. The last of my brothers is dying and I cannot stop it.

I must make peace with the fact that he is leaving me alone.

I glance up to see Renji's unnaturally still figure in the shadows, keeping his own watch over Taro.

I amend my previous thought. Taro is leaving me... but not alone. Not quite.

 

-.-.-

It is over.

They are dead, all dead, and I have nothing left and Renji is nearly gone and there is nothing I can do to keep him with me.

With me…

There is a soft rustle at the door. Renji is here. Now. At this moment. This house was once filled with Inuzuri orphans, and now it is only Renji and myself.

There is one thing I can do.

Even though we are both doomed, I can keep one part of him with me always.

"Renji…"

Hearing something unusual in my voice, he takes a few steps into the room.

"Renji," I stand up and turn around. I walk to him and stand in front of him, looking up into his eyes, his serious and slightly baffled expression. I reach for his sash.

He catches my hand before it reaches him "Rukia?" now worry adds to the confusion and sadness in his voice.

I am not in the mood for words. I begin to undo my own clothing instead. He remains silent. Perhaps he is shocked. This time, when I reach for his sash, he doesn't stop me.

Soon, we are both bare, and as if on some kind of signal, he falls on me and crushes me to him, skin to skin. I lead him over to a sleeping mat. I lie down and pull him over me.

Even if our souls feel tired and old, our bodies are still very young and we are ready without delay. I wrap my legs around his waist and in one hard thrust he is deep inside me. I feel I will go mad as well, and I am not surprised when Renji's shadow on the wall twists into an alien, hulking beast.

He begins to move; slow, hard, torturous. Echoes of a whispery, slithery voice speaks words that I cannot catch.

The next thrust is particularly powerful, and I tighten my legs around his body to take him in deeper. His groan at the sensation is overlaid by a deep basso resonance. A different voice entirely.

"Renji..." The slow pace is agonizing. "Renji..." I whisper his name over and over, a desperate plea. "Renji." My legs tighten again.

"Rukia?" He's asking me if I'm okay.

Of course I'm not okay.

"Renji, don't... Please don't leave me." a broken whimper, trying not to cry as the sweet friction where we're connected sends warm sparks racing through my body.

His rhythm stutters, and his breath hitches. Dark stripes appear and disappear on his skin, maddening and impossible to look at directly.

"Renji, don't ever leave me." It can't be asking too much of him. It's clear now that I am going mad too. The shapes of the shadows are wrong, dark lines appear on his skin, and then vanish when I try to look at them directly. I will follow him into his madness. "Just don't leave me."

His mouth closes firmly over mine. And with that, I am lost.

Kissing can be fun. Sex can be enjoyable too, for us older orphans. But the two must never, ever, be combined. To do both means you will lose yourself completely. You will never get yourself back if you give everything to one person. A week ago, I was certain I would never be willing to give away so much.

The feeling is nearly enough to fracture my mind. Being connected so intimately in two different ways. His strong lips and tongue twining together with mine. Dominating. Demanding. Even more; my bare skin sliding against his, my hands buried in his ruby hair, holding him to me. I am lost and I have given every part of myself wholly to this man. We break for air and I relax completely, baring my neck to him, letting go and putting complete trust in whatever he wants to do. I am lost to him.

Such sudden and total submission must have pushed him over the edge. Renji's teeth clench and his shoulders flex, his back arching in release. For a moment, his flying hair resembles a crimson mane. In a flicker of light, I am more certain than I have ever been that black markings appeared over his entire body. It is glorious and I wish I had some way...

I have not finished but I am too overwhelmed to object. Somehow, Renji still has the will to move. Strong lips press kisses down the side of my neck, sending goosebumps racing down my body. The kisses trail across my collarbone and down my chest, lower, lower still. And then his tongue is doing things I never imagined. I have to struggle not to grab his hair and press him down even harder. Somehow my exhausted body and mind find enough energy to set the fire, and I cry out wordlessly as I ride the hot waves.

Renji pulls himself up to lay beside me, and I tangle our bodies together the same way we always sleep, though the sweaty naked skin is new. Both of us are shaking, exhausted, muscles overwhelmed and aching, breath still hot and heavy but gradually slowing.

I had not meant to give myself so completely.

I did not know I was even capable of it.

I was planning to keep Renji as a memory. And if I was _very_ lucky, I would end up with a baby so that part of him would stay with me forever.

I never expected that I would willingly follow him into the madness.

His kiss was a promise not to leave me, and now I will follow him into hell.

 

-.-.-

A presence stirs in my mind. The cold center of my soul has been with me for a long time, and now that I have finally let myself go, I can hear her voice.

Outside, the spring thaw is sudden and striking. Winter becomes summer in mere days.

Perhaps I have drawn the winter into myself.

The cold stirs deep inside me. Renji takes it into himself to quench the fire of his madness, while his heat thaws the ice of mine.

It seems that together we can retain the last edges of our sanity, at least for a while.

The ground has softened, and we bury our brothers together on the hill.

I dream of a white rabbit in a field of snow.

In the sudden heat wave, there is no explanation for the morning frost inside our home. The ice melts quickly after we wake, and by noon I wonder if it existed at all. Renji assures me that it did. And yet I wonder. At the edge of my vision, Renji's shadow moves on the wall. I see it become a hulking beast, a demon. The shadow begins to move, pacing across the wall behind him.

I can't help looking at the shadow directly, and it is suddenly normal. Now on the edge of my vision, dark patterns form on Renji's bare skin.

Now I am the one jumping at shadows and seeing things that do not exist.

I have given myself to the madness, so that we might stay together.

An icy breeze brushes against my sweaty skin, and a silky voice whispers in my ear that she will keep the sickness at bay until Renji has the demon under his control. I accept this nonsense as truth, because I have given up any claim to sanity.

To remind myself why I have traded so much, I pull Renji down into a kiss. Once I break his control, he falls onto me, moving over me with a wild abandon, rough but never violent. And I arch into his touch, giving up completely. I make him promise again never to leave me, and if he must go somewhere, I will follow him, as I followed him into madness.

 

-.-.-

We stand on the hill at our brothers' graves, and I say something that has been weighing on my mind. "Let's become shinigami."

There is nothing left for us here. Nothing except the ever-increasing hunger and illness. We have gone mad, and the winter's plague continues to spread through Inuzuri.

"Let's become shinigami."

 


	2. Academy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In an unfamiliar world, Rukia must adapt or lose everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Junko for cheerleading!

Each life contains a few watershed moments.

I am silent and still because no reaction would be sufficient for the magnitude of this event.

It is a paradigm shift. It is catharsis.

I am sane.

Few words are able to describe how it feels to learn that the world is insane, and I am not.

I try the unfamiliar concepts once again: I am sane. The madness is in the world around me.

The woman I speak to in Academy admissions asks me about my dreams, and then sees straight through me when I lie.

She tells me that shinigami don't rely solely on magic, they have living swords. The white rabbit is my sword. The dreams and the silky voice are her way of calling my name. I tell the woman about the frost covering our home. She tells me that uncontrolled elemental types can be dangerous to powerless souls. Fire-types are the most dangerous, she says, often trapping their wielders and families in burning buildings as they sleep. If not contained, the fires can spread and devastate a whole neighborhood, an entire district.

Something about her words feels important, but it is lost in the sudden and inexpressible relief that the other children died before my dreams began. If my zanpakuto had called me sooner, the ice might have hurt or frozen the others. I could not bear it if I had injured or killed my own brothers.

Then I really would go mad.

-.-.-

Something about Renji must have impressed his admissions interviewer. He is placed in advanced classes, and I am not. My insulted outrage knows no limits.

That night I hold Renji to the floor between my knees. I use his long hair to yank back his head, and I scrape my teeth down the exposed column of his throat; not too hard, but enough to make my point.

Renji never submits without a fight, and the strength of his grip on my thighs and the powerful thrust of his hips is telling me it won't be that easy and to _try harder_. I expertly pin him to the ground because I will not be on my back tonight. I run my nails firmly down his body, from shoulders to hips, and enjoy watching each muscle jump and flex under the sensation. A moment later Renji also decides he won't stay on his back, because he stands and lifts me as if I weigh nothing. Then I am pressed against the solid wall and my legs are over Renji's shoulders and he sets such a frantic pace that we soon find oblivion and sink back down to the floor.

Sometimes when we are together like this I can hear echoes of Renji's inner voices. Now I know they are his zanpakuto. The hulking beast that lurks in his shadow is also his zanpakuto. The ice, and the rabbit with the voice like silk, is my zanpakuto.

We are sane after all.

I pull Renji into a deep kiss, possessive and demanding. Although I did not truly follow him into madness, I was willing to do so to keep him with me.

Again I extract his promise not to leave me.

The silky voice of the madness – or rather, my zanpakuto – whispers something in tones of warning. I only manage to catch one word. I hope someday I will be able to hear all of her words.

For now, I push her voice to the back of my mind. Renji and I break apart, gasping for breath and every inch of our bodies dripping with sweat. We will see which of us can recover faster, and the winner can pounce on the other for round two, or is it round three? I have already lost count.

The memory of the voice whispers from the depths of my mind.

"Unhealthy."

-.-.-

It is only after enrollment that I understand the distance between the shinigami Academy and everything else that I have ever known.

There is food. So much food. More food than I can ever eat. I marvel every day at the seemingly endless variety, and I despair at the thought of never being able to try it all. The mountains of food nearly make up for the sides of Academy life that I was not prepared to face.

There are rules. So many rules. I have never had to follow rules before, and now my entire future hinges on my ability to comply.

Academy students are discouraged from forming 'relationships'. We are expected to pour our energies into study and training. All first-year students must be in our assigned rooms by curfew. We are not allowed overnight visitors.

By the end of the first week, I am ready to tear off my own skin.

Rather than helping me focus on my schooling, Renji's glaring absence is the worst kind of distraction. Instead of a _lack_ or a _want_ , his absence feels like an endless, piercing scream channeled directly into my ear - only one ear. Unbalanced. I am not allowed even the faint mercy of symmetry.

During the day I am distracted and exhausted. At night I toss and turn, my subconscious panicking at all the emptiness in the bed around me. In my dreams the white rabbit speaks, whispering things that I cannot hear. The only times I feel like myself are when Renji is nearby, and that comes with its own set of problems.

I cannot sit near him in the lecture classes we share. Across the room, his familiar presence feels like home, and I am actually able to focus on the class without effort. But if he is too near, my body is well-conditioned and also deprived. One whiff of his familiar scent turns me on so hard it hurts. As it is, the need is constantly pulsing just under my skin. My only consolation is the hunger in Renji's eyes when he looks at me. My only solace is in knowing that he feels it too.

Unlike me, Renji has found a productive outlet for his energy. He quickly gains a reputation as brutal and merciless in every fight, even in supposedly friendly sparring matches. I hear the other students and even a few of the instructors whispering. They call him the mad dog from Inuzuri. Somehow, Renji still manages to befriend the top students in the advanced class. He tattoos his eyebrows. He learns swordplay as if he was born to it.

I can't understand how he does it. This new world makes so little sense, and I often feel as if my only remaining support is slipping out from under me. I have always been Renji's equal, and usually superior, but now he is moving forward in so many ways and I am struggling so hard just to keep up.

I begin to wonder how I can survive the rest of my first year when I start to notice something.

The wrongness in my world is eased when Renji is near, and I can finally see beyond the howling emptiness and pay attention to my classmates. I notice many students casually breaking the Academy codes of behavior and appearance. At first I assume they are reckless individuals or that they do not desire to be shinigami, but when I see Yuka, one of my hardest-working classmates, sneaking food into a lecture, I realize that even ambitious and dedicated students also break the rules. I am unable to stay silent, and I approach her after class.

Yuka laughs at my questions. She says that some of the rules are 'trivial' and would not be enforced. When I ask how to identify such rules, she only laughs at me harder.

In any other circumstance, I would walk away from her mocking tone. But this is something I have to know.

"The rules against fraternization between first-year students, the curfew, banning overnight guests... are those rules trivial or enforced?"

She gives me a knowing smirk, and begins to speak slowly as if I am simple-minded, " _Those_ rules _would_ be enforced, but that only matters if you get caught. I suggest leaving the Academy grounds before you bang your boyfriend with the funny eyebrows." Yuka's smirk becomes a sneer, "Let me guess, you prefer it doggy-style? Just find an alley somewhere and make sure none of the wrong people find out."

I struggle not to lunge at her as she walks away in a swirl of black curls. I don't know whether the rules against attacking another student are trivial or enforced, and I cannot take the chance. I clench my fists and grit my teeth so hard I am amazed that I do not damage my own body, but I do not tear the dark curls out of her head or wrap my hands around her neck. I do not cut her throat and expertly avoid the spraying blood.

When the rest of her words finally sink in, I have another breakthrough. A paradigm shift, catharsis. My second watershed moment.

Rules are unfamiliar to me. But I am very, very good at not getting caught.

-.-.-

I search for the next available opportunity. With careful planning, I find one and use it to drag Renji off the Academy grounds. I don't even remember travelling to the empty Rukongai hovel. By the time we arrive we are both so desperate that our Academy uniforms are nearly torn to shreds in our haste.

The first round isn't even enjoyable in our desperate rush to be together. Afterwards we are both winded and gasping for air despite our improved athletic ability. We stay pressed together, skin to skin. Both of us are overheated yet unwilling to break apart or lose contact even for the few minutes it would take to cool off.

For the first time in months, I feel right again.

We finally unleash the pent-up frustration from eight months of unwanted abstinence, combined with the energy of eating regular meals. We do not rest that night.

Renji has never treated me like a pretty flower or a fragile eggshell. He has always respected my strength and trusts that I will not break. We are both even stronger now, and if my mind was functioning properly I might worry about the structural integrity of the building. As it is, Renji leaves deep fingerprint bruises on my bottom and my thighs, and I come down on him so hard that I bruise his hips and leave other parts inflamed and sore for days. He does not object. In fact, his hands tighten on my waist to pull me down even harder. He picks me up to push my small frame against the wall. When I want to go back to the floor and he resists, I sweep his legs out from under him. He rolls on top, resting his entire weight on my small frame, trusting me to hold it. Later, standing tall, naked and glorious, he grabs a fistful of my hair and pushes me to my knees. To pay him back for the hair-pulling I use quite a bit more teeth than he likes. Renji throws back his head and growls, but he doesn't pull me away. To reward him, I grip his thighs for leverage, and after taking a moment to marvel at the feel of the corded muscle, I swallow him whole.

Each round is slower and gentler than the one before, and by dawn, we are barely making love at all. The frantic pace has become a languid, almost reverent exploration of the changes in our bodies over the months. My fingertips memorize all the new muscle that Renji has gained, and he seems fixated on tracing and re-tracing my new scars with his lips and tongue, they are so small and nearly invisible that no one but Renji would notice them. I take every opportunity to run my fingers through his hair, which is both longer and thicker than I remember; glossy and strong like it had never been before.

Just before we sneak back over the wall, I pull Renji down for a final kiss. Even though I know it is only the last kiss of this night, I drink in the experience like a person dying of thirst; trying to carve each sensation into my memory forever. Every texture, every sound Renji makes deep in his throat, every emotion I feel in his presence surrounded by his reiatsu.

We sneak back into the Academy and go our assigned rooms, and no one ever suspects a thing.

-.-.-

I find the story of the nue in the library archives, in a battered book of mythology. I immediately recognize the shape. I have seen it many times in Renji's shadow.

I read that Nue are omens of misfortune, bringers of plague and nightmares.

Plague.

No matter how I struggle against the realization, my mind draws the connections.

Renji.

Renji's zanpkauto began to call to him. Shortly afterward, the children sickened and died.

He killed them. He killed them all.

I expect anger. I expect tears. But nothing comes but a terrible moan that brings the librarian rushing to my side.

She asks me if I am alright. She tells me that I look ill and have become quite pale. I tell her I am aware of the sudden cool in my cheeks, the lightness in my head. I tell her there are moments in life when a person does not react, simply because no reaction is sufficient to the occasion.

He killed them, and I only made it worse. I tried to end his madness with food, because food helped to heal every other illness and injury.

I only made him stronger.

-.-.-

The empty room is still and quiet. I am still and quiet as well. I do not expect to be interrupted, so the rustling behind me comes as a surprise.

I can sense that it's not Renji.

I turn around and see kenseikan.

Kuchiki.

I cannot imagine what brings Soul Society's highest nobility here, to this room.

-.-.-

Renji barrels in as they finish with me. He is loud and enthusiastic and he does not know that he killed our brothers and destroyed everything I loved.

I tell him about the adoption. At any other time, I would have pulled him into a kiss and demanded he renew his promise to never, ever leave me.

I can't do it.

I can't even meet his eyes.

"Renji... what should I do?" He doesn't realize that I'm asking him about everything.

He only hesitates for a moment before he wildly congratulates me on my windfall. Too loud. Too exuberant. His hands are on my shoulders. My _shoulders_.

So this is how it is.

That bastard.

I remove his hands with a gentleness that surprises me, and I flee the room. I cannot bear to be in his presence a moment longer.

I will not let him see me cry.

-.-.-

The old man and the headmaster finalize my graduation papers. This is the last day of class, and I don't even attend the final lecture.

As we leave, I try to strike a conversation with the old man, to get a feel for my new life. Fortunately, he is pleasant and chatty.

"There is no need for you to attend the lecture. It is no casual goodbye speech for the first years, but a warning. The sensei will explain that over the summer, some of the new students might experience the first stirrings of a zanpakuto spirit. Talented souls - especially children in districts without regular shinigami patrols - sometimes kill the people around them by accident. There is no need for you to worry about that, my dear. No one in the Kuchiki estate is quite so frail."

The old man spins stories peppered with wisdom and advice as we make my first journey to the Kuchiki estate and my new life.

-.-.-

Renji was the first student out the door after the final lecture.

His classmates tittered that the mad dog was finally off his leash for the summer, but Renji was too far gone to hear them.

He barely made it to the edge of the grounds before he was forced to stop. There he doubled over, trembling arms braced against a tree, and lost this morning's breakfast.

He was heaving his guts out. Renji was seeing spots as his vision faded.

In the span of three hours, Renji had lost Rukia, and learned that he had personally killed a house full of orphans.

Another hot wave of nausea took away his ability to think. When his reason returned, his thoughts were no more optimistic than before.

Darkness clawed at the edges of his mind.

" _You_ ," he spat.

And the deep, rumbling voice inside him answered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's that. Stay tuned for the Renji sequel : "Kneel to the Baboon King". It's the polar opposite of this story in tone, style, structure, even genre. I could not, in good conscience, combine them under the same title.
> 
> As always, author notes and explanations can be found in my livejournal, username squizbee.

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to Junko for cheerleading!  
> The quote at the beginning is from "Starvation Moon" by Ursula Vernon.


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